Unless you’re living under a rock, you’ve probably noticed a bunch of violence against Asian Americans of late. Perhaps you’ve experienced some yourself.

Here’s an account that tracks anti-Asian hate crimes in NYC. Some of it is bad. Really bad. It’s pretty obvious who the assailants are, but media outlets insist on blaming White Supremacists. “White Supremacy” has become a catchall term for everything bad in this world, and Asians aren’t exactly stepping up to correct the record.

I sort of understand the reticence. Going to public school as a kid, we got our ass beat plenty. We always knew better than to snitch on our aggressors. Get the yard teacher involved, and you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of beatings from everybody. So you’d go to the teacher with a bruised lip and a bloody nose, and tell her you fell down some stairs. You want the sympathy without the retribution.

Well, it’s time to grow up. If you act like a victim, you’ll be treated like a victim. And not in the diversity-hire-and-preferential-college-admits kinda way. I mean, like this:

NYPD says 65-year-old Asian American woman was walking to church this morning when suspect assaulted her and said “f*** you, you don’t belong here.” Happened in front of 360 W. 43rd St. 11:40am. Sources say building security guard not only failed to render her aid… 1/2 pic.twitter.com/ZLtQEHHJci

— CeFaan Kim (@CeFaanKim) March 30, 2021

Maybe you’re excited because Biden allocated $49.5 million towards fighting anti-Asian violence. This comes from your own money, you know. (As an Asian American, you probably pay taxes.) And if you read Biden’s press release, you’ll see that none of that money is gonna do a damn thing. It’s going to committees and NGOs, and a stupid virtual bookshelf to celebrate Asian American contributions.

Most of these attackers are homeless or hopped up on drugs; wokeness training isn’t the answer. The one thing that might curb violence is a massive increase in police activity, but that’s politically untenable.

Looks like we’re going to have to take matters into our own hands.

There’s a certain demographic that everyone knows not to mess with. Something to do with a reputation for uncontrollable violence. The reputation may or may not be deserved; it could well be the result of harmful stereotypes advanced by the media. Either way, the stereotype is useful. Would-be attackers ain’t gonna mess with someone who might go all Ray Rice on their ass.

If we want to #StopAsianHate, we need the same reputation. There’s a well-known blog called Angry Asian Man. Problem is, he’s not very angry at all. Like, if you see this face approach you on the street, you’re not gonna quickly cross to the other side.

Here’s a story I found particularly instructive. Homeless guy punches an old Asian woman; she grabs a 2×4 and delivers a beatdown. Was the beating a reasonable act of self-defense? Who cares, the lady’s channeling her inner Tiger Mother. She’s wailin’ on that fellow like he’s a schoolkid who brought home a B+. NO MERCY! That’s the energy that will #StopAsianHate.

Roof Koreans are good; Trigger-happy Roof Koreans better. Trigger-happy no-f*cks-given Bodo League Roof Koreans with poor muzzle control — Now that’s the reputation we want to cultivate.

Note: It isn’t necessary to commit murder. In fact, please don’t actually kill anyone. The trick is to freakout preemptively. COVID is still a thing, yes? That means any violation of social distancing is effectively a provocation of violence. If another human enters your 6-foot bubble, that’s the time to grab a bludgeon and swing like a crazy person.

I’ll end with a story.

Many many years ago, I was shopping with my mother when she unwittingly bumped a man with her cart. The guy muttered a racist comment and turned to walk away. Being a good kid, I ran after him and asked, “WHAT THE F*&^ IS YOUR PROBLEM, ASSHOLE?? YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH MY MAMA? YOU WANNA START SOME SH!*? SAY IT TO MY FACE MOTHERF*&^*&^R!” I tailed him for two aisles screaming profanities, so that by the time he escaped, everyone at Walmart knew he was an asshole.

The point is, I wouldn’t have done that if he wasn’t white. So let them be a warning to us all.