Calico. Because Rich People are too Important to Die.

The company-formerly-known-as-Google no longer needs to justify the cash burn of its unprofitable moonshots to shareholders. As Alphabet, it can give more airtime to cost centers like the death-defying longevity project, Calico.


Calico was announced two years ago as a project with a mission to “cure death”. It seems that only rich people suffer from this peculiar ailment. Most of the world accepts the existence of death.

Are Google execs so bad at life that 70 years isn’t enough time for them? Is Calico seeking “life extensions” the same way that I request deadline extensions at work because I sometimes show up too stoned to remember my server password?

Life is special only because it is temporary. Just like Taco Bell is good because my family saved it for special occasions. Impermanence is what makes something an experience.

The absence of death is not life. It’s the equivalent of eating Taco Bell all the time forever. It’s purgatory.

Given the option of eternal life, few would decline, especially not with our loved ones watching. I don’t want that to even be an option.

Google, you’ve already ruined privacy for me. Please don’t ruin life as well.

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