Cuckolded by Cats

Signing up for a NextDoor account should be a prerequisite to moving into any new neighborhood. People need to learn what insufferable shits their future neighbors are before throwing down a deposit.

The local cat lady coalition is building a new homeless shelter. For cats.

My mother often complains about stray cats on her property. She says that back in her day, any critter that wasn’t tied down or locked up would be summarily thrown in a stewpot. Then again, she grew up during Chairman Mao’s Famine. No need for feral cat shelters back then, I bet.

The only thing cats have going for them is their supernormal resemblance to human infants. Their innocent wide eyes, their mewling cries, their unrelenting selfishness. By acting like human babies, cats trick childless women into adopting them as their own.

This is exactly what a cuckoo bird does. A cuckoo is known as a brood parasite; it relies on other species to raise its young. The female cuckoo lays eggs that mimic the host’s eggs, and when they hatch, the baby cuckoos grow faster and cry louder than the host’s babies.


In the wild, only 30% of baby songbirds survive to adulthood, so parents are motivated to feed the strongest birdlings first. The baby cuckoo quickly outgrows its adoptive siblings and pushes them out to die.

So it is with cats. I’m not ready to settle down yet, you think. I’ll adopt a kitten for companionship. Just one won’t hurt. Before you know it, you’re spending the next two decades paying for Fluffy’s food and heartworm meds, attending to her every meow. Maybe cat ownership isn’t the result of declining birthrates, but the cause of it.

Source: UK pet food manufacturer’s association and Office for National statistics (couldn’t find any US data)

The data checks out.

14 thoughts on “Cuckolded by Cats

  1. Great article! Cracked me up too.

    A better comparison might be an organisation that abducts 5 homeless people and takes them away to a guarded shelter. Basically a the police.

  2. My name is Ibod Catooga
    And I’m here to say
    This article was tardulated
    In every way

    If you have an anus
    You’ll find a Klingon intrusion
    Will definitely pain us

    In your neutral zone
    Is where he’ll place his bone
    Until Captain Picard you have to phone

    My name is Ibod Catooga
    And I have to tell
    That once I saw
    An asian anus in hell

  3. This doesn’t make any sense. If the only thing that cats had going for them was their resemblance to human babies, and humans came to regret supporting for and caring for a cat after taking one in, they would never go and adopt another cat after the death of a first cat.

    There’s not a huge amount difference between having a cat an having a dog. Of course, one difference is that cat owners sometimes allow their cats to go outside, where they hunt birds and mice, and thus catch some of their own food. Dogs, on the other hand rarely do that, and generally rely on their owners for all of their food.

  4. You made me laugh Elaine. Now could you get back to the Devil’s Workshop and revisit your 1-19-17 post?

  5. Wsj seems to be erratic as to when the wall is effective. After reading your last post and turning cookies off the wall was not effective. Trying again two hours later the wall was effective. In my experience it is hit or miss and lately mostly miss.

    Funny thing is I had a subscription but stopped it as I rarely read it. Once I found a way around the wall I found myself reading it frequently. The allure of the forbidden.

    1. yeah it seems to be erratic for me too. i wonder if they’re making changes to integrate with Apple News.

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