Nothing says “I hate myself” like a box of Cheez-Its.

Why do the nutrition facts tell me there are 25 crackers in a serving, 11 servings to a box? Just give me the nutrition facts for the whole damn box, that’s my serving size.

I don’t even really like Cheez-Its.

We have Cheez-Its at work. Our company lets us expense anything the internet delivers. We only have regular Cheez-Its right now.

The company office is nice. The kind of nice you get after $14 million in venture funding.

I spent the hottest weekends here last month, for the A/C.

Who am I kidding? I came here because I live in a dump.

I live in a shared apartment, with less privacy than when I lived in a college dorm. Bay Area housing shortage.

Previously, I rented the palatial crawl space above an auto shop. Best home ever. Then Google bought it for $12 million and knocked it all down. They’re probably hiring.

I bought my own varietal Cheez-Its so that I could have something different at home. Something not already stocked in the office kitchen. Otherwise what reason do I have to ever leave?

I’m not going to write a thoughtful review of each flavor. When you’re stuffing Cheez-Its to fill the void where your soul used to be, everything tastes the same. The obligations of daily life enforce a certain banality onto existence. Maybe with enough creativity you avoid the life of a cog, but I’m not sure I can pull it off anymore.

My coworkers had a case of Red Bull shipped to the office today. We know how much you like Red Bull, they said.

I love Red Bull. I loved Red Bull because it was special. Something I saved for motorcycle races and hackathons. Last year my best friend gave me a case of Red Bull for my birthday.

Now it shows up as a staple with our weekly office supplies.

I don’t know why I hate it here. I tell my friends I want to leave.

Come work at our company, they invariably offer. You might like it better.

But I have a great job. I adore my coworkers. It’s myself that I hate. It’s my lack of imagination that I hate. And no amount of change can change that.

I think I’ll go home now. Maybe I’ll eat some Cheez-Its.