The First Hit is Free

The local Tractor Supply Center is doing Chick Days. It’s a semiannual event where they have newly-hatched chickens and ducklings for sale, something like two dollars apiece. It’s cute.

Tractor Supply doesn’t make money off baby birds; it costs more than $2 to run heat lamps and clean all that duck poop. The event is sponsored by pet food manufacturers — Purina, MannaPro, Nutrena, &co. Because once you get the animal, you’re stuck buying animal food for the rest of its life. Come to think of it, my childhood kitten was “free” as well.

That’s how they get you.

It’s a good strategy. All those countries struggling with sub-replacement fertility rates – Japan, Germany, the US – why don’t they do this to rope in new parents?

I don’t mean handing out free babies; people much prefer to make their own. But baby food companies like Gerber and Similac should incentivize this sort of market expansion. Who’s gonna consume their products if the birth rate falls to zero? H-1B workers?

Childbirth subsidies might be a good start, but people don’t avoid kids only due to cost. People avoid kids due to the widespread perception that children are obnoxious little demons. It’s not wrong, but it’s not something that can’t be fixed with a bit of marketing.

You know what sucks? Homeownership. Owning a house is a heck of a lot of work with all sorts of potential liability. But thanks to a taxpayer-funded marketing campaign, the Federal Housing Administration convinced multiple generations of Americans that the quickest path to freedom is to mire yourself in debt.

Screw that. The American Dream is being able to call my landlord any time I clog the toilet or lock myself out. Wanna know why the rent is so damn high? BECAUSE IT’S WORTH IT.

Baby companies currently tailor their marketing to those who already have (or expect) kids. That kind of blinkered thinking is EXACTLY why Toys R Us went out of business! People with kids are hosed; they’re stuck buying your products whether they like it or not. Baby brands need to target the real untapped market: Those who don’t have kids.

Take a page from the FHA strategy book! Inspire your audience to keep up with the Joneses; instill a healthy sense of FOMO! Like this:

All Creatures Great and Small

I haven’t been posting. I’m handfeeding an injured bird — Did you know that birds eat up to half their weight in food each day? Don’t lecture me about priorities; I don’t wanna hear it. After a month she’s still a cripple, so she’ll likely become a permanent ward of the state. Haven’t really thought things through.

Oh, and ground squirrels. I’m killing several dozen of these each week, and they just keep coming. Is it…is it bad that I relish each kill? I almost typed “oh man it’s kind of sick how much joy I get out of being cruel to small fuzzy squirrels” but then I realized that that makes me sound like a sociopath.

And I don’t enjoy it, really. Now we have coyotes trying to get at the cadavers, scads of fleas looking for a new host, and OH GOD THE SMELL. Combined with the swarming flies and turkey vultures circling the yard, I swear to god my neighbors are gonna think I murdered someone. What did Jeffrey Dahmer use to disappear all those dead bodies? I want to google it but I’m scared of having this query on my permanent record.

AHHH I HATE NATURE! Why can’t I have nature in a sterile glass bubble, like Jeff Bezos and his eco-terrarium at Amazon? I mean, I like wildlife and diversity and all things bright and beautiful, as long as they stay in the wilderness and I can selectively see them when I please. As long as I can pick and choose which diversity gets to live near my home.

This is the future liberals want.

See also: San Francisco.

Bezos’s Balls

Aside: Why do people feel sympathy for birds but not rodents? Why do we complain about domestic cats killing songbirds, but say nothing about the same cats decimating the rat population? Is it because rats carry human-infectious diseases? If so, then shouldn’t we feel WORSE about killing rats? They’re so genetically similar to humans that we can share diseases!

I like how this article features a picture of a field mouse running with a baby. OH MY GOD, that mouse is somebody’s MOTHER!! Every time you eat a slice of bread, YOU ARE KILLING SOMEONE’S MOMMY.

Nope, still gross.

A Lockean Theory of Digital Property

Alex Jones and his show have been banned from Apple, Facebook, YouTube, Spotify, YouPorn, and Pinterest, and people have Opinions.

CENSORSHIP, his defenders cry.

Private companies enforcing private rules on private property, detractors reply.

Maybe they’re both right.

Cullen Roche likens Alex Jones to a guest pissing on the carpet. If someone pisses on your carpet, you kick them out of the house, no problem.

BUT! Suppose Cullen lived in San Francisco, where pissing on the ground is the norm. Suppose Alex Jones showed up at Cullen’s house and pissed on the carpet, and Cullen did not object. Suppose Alex showed up the next day and pissed, and Cullen still did not protest. Suppose Alex shows up day after day, and Cullen allows the behavior to pass.

And suppose this continues for many years, until one day Cullen decides that piss puddles are no longer welcome in his house.

You’ll need to find somewhere else to piss, Cullen might say to Alex.

No, Alex might reply. I’ve become accustomed to using your carpet as a chamber pot and quite like it here. I think I’ll stay.

TOO BAD, Cullen would say. THIS IS MY HOUSE. GO BUILD YOUR OWN HOUSE TO PISS IN.

Not so fast, Alex could reply. I’ve been marking my territory for many years. As a result, I now have a prescriptive easement. This spot of carpet is mine to piss on.

Right, that’s a thing. According to state law, an entity can earn an interest in the property of another through regular use*. In California, if you use someone’s carpet as a toilet for at least five years, you establish the right to continue doing so. This is also known as squatter’s rights.

Squatter’s rights don’t often come up in disputes because people are generally quick to remove strangers who urinate in their homes. THEY DON’T WAIT FIVE YEARS TO FORCE PAST BEHAVIOR TO CONFORM TO THE SHIFTING STANDARDS OF SOCIAL JUSTICE.

Use-rights appropriation isn’t just Marxist bullshit; John Locke’s labor theory of property also applies: An individual owns their own labor, and has a right to any mixing of their labor with property. I don’t know about Alex Jones, but I put a lot of work into my Twitter account! Nine years of careful supervision, to be exact. Witticisms needed my re-broadcasting, funny memes my endorsement. I tilled the soil, sowed the seeds, trimmed the flowers, watered the weeds. Today I have 20,000 followers. They may not matter to Twitter, but they matter to ME. If Alex Jones worked as hard on his accounts as I have on mine, I daresay he’s earned the right to continue using his plot of virtual real estate.

* Remember when people got all worked up after Vinod Khosla bought some beachfront property and blocked off access to Martins Beach? The California Coastal Commission claimed that families had been accessing the shoreline via that land since the 1920s. Thanks to a compulsory easement, Khosla was forced to open his Private Property to all manner of derelicts, many of whom probably pissed on it (this is San Francisco, after all).

DIY Firearms

While everyone’s freaking out about 3D-printed plastic guns, here’s a long-forgotten gem from the US Army:

Kids, don’t try this at home.

How to make explosives out of bodily fluids. Your parents’ tax dollars paid for this:

TM 31-210. Department of the Army Technical Manual

Why I Am Leaving Silicon Valley

The rent is too damn high.

Every couple years the lease runs out, the rent goes up, and I migrate further south to cheaper pastures. It got to the point where I was living closer to the Central Valley than the Bay, so I figured I might as well get the jack together and have a little house and a couple of acres. I’d have a big vegetable patch and a rabbit hutch and chickens, and when it rains in the winter, we’ll say the hell with goin’ to work, and we’ll build up a fire in the stove and set around it an’ listen to the rain comin’ down on the roof AN’ LIVE OFF THE FATTA THE LAN’!

I went to public school at the height of the Environmental movement; we learned how to build birdhouses and sprout seeds, set up compost piles and sort the recycling and all that other Green and Sustainable stuff. Figured I’d be living off the grid no problem.

Six months in — the vegetables have been decimated by deer, the chickens won’t stop laying in the weeds, and the rabbits were ready for the spit four months ago but I just can’t do the deed. If it weren’t for the fact that I live 20 minutes from a Safeway, I’d have starved.

This is a good thread and I recommend reading the whole thing:

California is still recovering from a six-year drought emergency; it’s ridiculous that I use municipal drinking water to irrigate lettuce and tomatoes. The only plants that grow well in this climate are dry scrubby brush. Humans can’t digest brush, but ruminants can. The Greenest thing to do here is to eat the deer, then buy vegetables imported from wetter climes.

They outsourced the air pollution to China. They sent their homeless people there as well.

Turns out sustainable living — the comfortable kind, with iPhones and electric scooters — requires a lot of outsourcing. Aside from food production, there’s the fact that I live in a house full of stuff. Coastal citydwellers like to talk about their walkable streets and energy-efficient density, but all that densely packed shit has to be manufactured somewhere. My new solar panels were made in Shanghai, so I can virtuously signal carbon neutrality while criticizing China’s contribution to planetary destruction.

Last week, WeWork banned meat from company events and expense accounts in order to reduce their environmental impact and score points with environmental justice peeps. But being headquartered in New York City, there isn’t enough space to grow crops for their 2,000 employees. They would have to truck in produce from afar at a huge carbon cost. To minimize environmental impact, WeWork employees should make use of Manhattan’s locally sourced quarry. In other words, WeWorkers should simply Eat the Rich.


Or eat roadkill. The Joy of Cooking was first published during the Great Depression, which is why it has a whole chapter on cleaning and dressing rodents.