Hi I’m back! Just returned from a trip to next century, and let me tell you, the future is WOKE.
(That’s right, I winter in the future. Global warming means San Francisco will be balmy in January.)
We might think we live in a progressive era, that we’ve come a long way since the Civil Rights movement, but it turns out the 21st century is a veritable dark age as far as social justice is concerned.
First of all, our current treatment of animals is super problematic. In a few years, we’ll embrace lab-grown meat and ban the use of livestock.
Everyone was glad to see the end of factory farms, but we never really thought about what we were gonna do with all those farm animals. See, we didn’t just realize the immorality of killing animals, we realized the immorality of owning animals. It turns out that species is a social construct, and biological taxonomy is a pseudoscience invented by Carl Linnaeus to justify anti-animalism.
In 2028, President Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (yeah, sorry) will proclaim the emancipation of 100 million cattle, 75 million pigs, and 10 billion chickens. They’ll all be given equal rights. There were bigots who claimed that farm animals could never be integrated into high society, but California proved them wrong by appointing a horse to the Senate.
But if you thought livestock ownership was problematic, wait’ll you hear about the vegans. By 2048, the SPLC will have deemed them a hate group for committing genocide on entire plant species.
Oh yeah, plants have rights too. Did you know that plants feel pain? OMG, they do. The Open Borders movement will expand to include automatic amnesty for one of the most persecuted groups in the world: weeds. For thousands of years, so-called “weeds” have been beaten with hoes, smothered with mulch, and chemically eradicated with herbicides. We don’t actually use the term “weed” anymore — it’s a pejorative used to disparage plants with different growth habits.
As you can imagine, there was pushback. Some extremists held on to the abhorrent idea that only native flora should be allowed to live in certain areas. Anything else, they claim, is an invasive species. The theory of horticulture will be thoroughly debunked, but nativists will insist that foreign plant species leech resources from the soil and inhibit growth for native grasses. Maybe the native plants should stop being so lazy and shiftless.
Amnesty International will go from exposing sexual harassment on Twitter to scolding gardeners. Funny how human rights organizations always suffer from feature creep.
I couldn’t stick around to see what happens next, as I had to return to work. The future might sound dismal, but on the bright side, It’s okay to punch a vegan.